How To Use "Literally" Correctly

Yummy. Baby picture credits go here.

Okay, so that is not the only way of using "literally" correctly. But it's the most awesome way of using it: taking an idiomatic expression (devouring a book, usually meaning to read it eagerly) and then turning it on its head.  Phrased a bit differently, it works kind of like a joke:

"I gave my little nephew a book, and he just devoured it..."
"He can already read? Wow."
"...Literally."

Hearing the first part provokes an image of a toddler eagerly reading a book, but then he tells you "Literally" and you're like, "Wait, what??" Awesome.

Obviously it's also correct to say, "She translated the whole Latin passage literally," meaning she translated it word for word, in a literal manner.  You can also use it to mean "in a literal or strict sense," like "Some people believe in taking the Bible literally."

That's about it. But some sources like Merriam-Webster say that there is another way of using "literally," and this is where it gets complicated:

"...[We] will literally turn the world upside down to combat cruelty or injustice." — Norman Cousins

According to Merriam-Webster, "literally" is used here to as a "pure hyperbole intended to gain emphasis."  And that kind of works. The quote says that not only do they intend to figuratively turn the world upside down to combat cruelty or injustice, they're also willing to literally turn the world upside down if that's what it takes. Makes sense?

But there's a thin line between this usage and all the wrong ways to use the word.  On one side, "literally" is used to gain emphasis and meaning. On the other side, you see it in contexts where no additional emphasis is necessary:

"I literally spent the entire day checking my email."

No, you spent the entire day checking mail. Simple and clear. If you wanted to give the statement that extra punch, "actually" is the word to use in place of "literally."  Here are more examples of failing to correctly use "literally":

"I was so scared I literally screamed my head off."

I think you meant "almost"... or did you scream your head back on?

"I was so tense that I was sweating bullets. Literally."

This was actually said by someone on History Channel's Top Shot.  Those must have been microscopic bullets since they squeezed through his pores without killing him.

Some say that the meaning of "literally" has evolved to the point that we now use it just to add emphasis to a statement, much like how we use "really" or "honestly".  Thing is, to me that's the exact opposite of evolution. It's dumbing down the language. And I refuse to accept it. If the meaning of the word is watered down to just something you use to sound cool, how will you get the joke about the baby devouring a book?